I'm not alright

If any of you guys have been around me lately, you'd know that I've been having a pretty tough time. I've lost a few things, like half my wardrobe, my privacy, my job, and the better part of my patience. In exchange, I got an overly tacky interior decorator, a dark cave for a house, and a nagging housemate. But the horror doesn't just start there, my best friend moved away, as did my entire small group, and I've had to quit one of the greatest organizations I've ever been a part of. To top it off, I've been struggling with the death of one of my students, failed all my classes last semester, and been dealing with my shoulder who has decided to be a real pain lately.

Those are just the big parts of the chaos that has engulfed my life. I spent much of my time moping around, wondering why this was happening to me. I did my share of the good deeds, I took the role as small group leader at my church, and volunteered at a Christian theatre. I poured my life into God's work.

Why am I suffering through all this? I need my privacy. I'll die without my own space. I simply can't go on without CYT.

I've been reading different things from the bible lately. Getting bored with one book, so I'd move on to the next and I was about to completely give up on quiet time all together. I was simply getting NOTHING out of what I was reading.

Until today.Deuteronomy 8:3b - Man does live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord

I've read that verse about a million times, but this time, it really reached me. It told me, that I couldn't depend on earthly things, not even good things. That they are only temperary, like bread. but God is eternal.
Thinking back on the weeks of pointless quiet times, I came across a verse that I had written down, but still looked over.

Jeremiah 17:5-7 - Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for strength and whose heart is turned away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.

It hightlighted the first verse. If we dwell on what we have here on earth, its like we're living in a desert. The pleasures the world gives to us is like a mirage. Nice to look at, but worth nothing, and sometimes damaging. But God is waiting on us to trust in him. The verse goes on to say that he who trusts God is like a tree that is planted by the water.

Jeremiah 17:8b - It does not fear when the heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

It took God completely taking away the earthly things I confided in for me to see that I really didn't need them. All I need is God, thats who I'm supposed toturn to, not the works of man. Who can really trust the imperfect man? But God is perfect. He's never had to say, "whoops, my bad," and he'll never have to.

Then to smooth things over, he gave me yet one more verse.

James 1:2-3 - Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face the trial of many kinds because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking any thing.

So yeah, I am hurting. I'm broken, but God wants that. Its like after I had my surgery. I spent half a year with my arm strapped to my belly, then they decided that I needed therapy. I can remember Jason (my therapist) physically pushing my arm over my head, making my do push ups and pull backs, and not letting me ease up on my exercises no matter how much I cried and begged for him to stop. But if he had let me go without causing any pain, my shoulder wouldn't have streched back out and I'd still wouldn't be able to move my arm. It would be useless.

All this reminded me of a Santus Real song I had just heard, "I'm not alright. I'm broken inside. But all I go through leads me closer to you."

Closer to him. Thats exactly where I want to be. So if it takes being broken and torn down to better know God, then bring it on.
~Crys