2007

Wow, its like, the last day. I just woke up for the last time in 2007. Yeah, this is my 20th time doing this. But it feels so strange. 2007 has been guaranteed for so long and now, I'm facing unpredictable 2008 head on.
Looking back over this year, I'm actually satisfied with what has happened.
I:
Managed to overcome a binding addicting that was pulling me down.
Met a Godly friend who understood and could support me in that.
Was giving a extremely demanding job and Aced it gracefully.
Spent two months in NJ. Longest time I've ever been away from home.
Found God's presence in a way I couldn't have understood until now.
Made a commitment, then saw it through.
Experienced at kind of God-me moment you only read about in the bible.
completed two decades in my life.

I'm sure there's even more, but the past isn't a place I want to dwell in anymore. The future has too much promise to ignore.
The biggest thing that I'm looking forward to is the beginning of a year-long trip that will start just before my birthday. One that will take me to the other side of the Atlantic to a city I know nothing about. Slightly frightening... we'll see.

I made a decision years ago not to make a resolution. It always seems to be more of a disappointment then a gain.... mostly because I never see it through. So I'm just looking at what might happen. What God may have waiting for me. And when I think of it that way, its kinda exciting.

Growing Up...

I've been told lately that I don't act mature. I seriously don't know how to respond to that. To the idea that compared to most people my age... I act like a child. How do you take that?
Better yet, who is to decide what mature is? What's the difference between acting mature and being old.
I thought there was one...
I thought Maturity was the ability to handle certain responsibilities effectively.
But maybe its acting like a seventy-two year old lady with bad style, bad humor and a undeniable air of a person who has had something very large stuck up their butt.
If that's maturity... maybe I don't want to be mature. Maybe I don't want to ever be called an adult.
In the words of Peter Pan (my hero), "I won't grow up!".... and you can't make me.

Ick

That's all I can come up with.... I think my knee's worse than we thought it was.... going to think doctor today for a final checkup.... Ach! I wanna walk! Well, I wanna walk without that cursed limp....

Dissapointment

A subject that comes into my vocabulary too often, it seems. Usually re guarding myself or my own actions (IE failing last year's courses, failing to apply for classes on time, failure to save up enough for Christmas, failure to clean out the refrigerator... I could go on, but I don't think I could afford antidepressants right now...).
Today though, I don't know where to place the guilt. As I sit in front of my computer screen and look at the long list of spam email my account has accumulated over the last two hours I haven't been on (just long enough to watch a cheesy ABC Family Christmas movie), I don't see anything re guarding a certain cast list.
I auditioned Monday for a show in a local play house. The first thing I've auditioned for since Hobbit at CYT over a year ago. The list was supposed to be sent out today. This can only lead me to one conclusion..... I'm not on said list.
Not a terrible bit of news for some, but for me... Drama is what I do. I'm not smart, not athletic, not very successful in relationships. But, onstage, I'm who I want to be.
This only can make me wonder, where should the failure be placed? On the director for not seeing my raw talent, the nasty taco I ate minutes before auditions which (lets be honest) didn't give me the best feeling in the world, or myself? Maybe I'm not fit for acting. Yeah, I've made cast before... at high school plays where people had to be fair. Maybe its one of my many screw ups -Failure To Pretend-... Two-year-olds can do that!
But then, what does that make me? When the one stock you've put all you money into falls, where do you go?