From the mind of a goat-herd

Its strange, the places God chooses to speak to me.
This time it was when I was shuffling through grass tall enough to tickle my armpits
It was my turn to herd the goats, a grueling job even when they're not hidden behind a curtain of premature hay.
The task is always frustrating. The goats -being very clever but not worrying about saving the world or anything- had their eyes on one single thing. FOOD. And not always the best food either. Mostly the easiest to get to.
They don't know when danger is coming, or when they've wandered away from their water source. or that there are better vittles just at the other side of the field.
That's what I'm they're for, to watch out and make sure they stay out of the road.
So, when my girls drift further than they should, Its my responsibility to guide them back to the safe zone.
Anyone whose ever had to deal with any number of goats should have let out a sympathetic sigh for my just now.
Goats aren't known for obedience. If they know you want to do something, they'll do the exact opposite just to bug you, then turn and look at you like you're an idiot.
There are a few tricks I've learned in the job of goat herding.
The first involves a stick (or rod, staff, cane, whatever you can find). A gentle tap of the stick to any hide can produce a fair amount of movement. A nice whack if the nice approach doesn't work.'There's also the running-while-making-loud-noises approach (but that can get pretty embarrassing, so I personally try to avoid it...). Or you can simply pick up one of the kids (AKA baby goat) its mom will follow wherever you want.
Its the same with God. He knows where i need to be and that its not where I am now. Sometimes the gentle tactics work, but I have a lot in common with my goats. I can't see over the grass in my life. I have no idea where I am or whats going on, but he does. He wants to guide me to a better place.
Sometimes it hurts and confuses, but he knew it would. He also knows that's exactly what I need to get me moving.

3rd Strike

Ok, more like strike number four... but I don't really consider losing my job to start with as a first strike. No, I haven't officially lost my job. I've only lost all hours because the shop isn't getting any business. I'm only working one shift this week. This means that I'm not making enough and that I'm leaving my perfect job to find one that actually supports me. If only I could find one.
I don't understand. I pray and tithe and volunteer my time, yet all I get is more bad.
Perry once said to tith, its the one thing God wants to test him with, and we'll be blessed. I've tried that. I've been dishing out my ten percent since November (ya, ok, I haven't been doing this for long) and the only place I find my self is two hundred dollars away from grabbing my much-needed passport, yet another 300 in the hole with doc bills and missing the ten percent of my paycheck that I would have if I'd avoided the offering plate.
I know it'll work out... it always does. But even then, it was a lot smaller things to work out. This time, its bigger than I've ever seen.
Sure, God is big enough. I've had that mind-set drilled into my noggin since before I could multiply, but nothing's changing. I've been waiting and bills are piling up. Maybe God doesn't want to fix this. Maybe he's tired of my screwups and has decided to let me figure this out on my own.
I keep telling myself to trust him, he has it all figure out, but I'm not sure if I have that much faith. Seems like I dried up that well some time ago.

2007

Wow, its like, the last day. I just woke up for the last time in 2007. Yeah, this is my 20th time doing this. But it feels so strange. 2007 has been guaranteed for so long and now, I'm facing unpredictable 2008 head on.
Looking back over this year, I'm actually satisfied with what has happened.
I:
Managed to overcome a binding addicting that was pulling me down.
Met a Godly friend who understood and could support me in that.
Was giving a extremely demanding job and Aced it gracefully.
Spent two months in NJ. Longest time I've ever been away from home.
Found God's presence in a way I couldn't have understood until now.
Made a commitment, then saw it through.
Experienced at kind of God-me moment you only read about in the bible.
completed two decades in my life.

I'm sure there's even more, but the past isn't a place I want to dwell in anymore. The future has too much promise to ignore.
The biggest thing that I'm looking forward to is the beginning of a year-long trip that will start just before my birthday. One that will take me to the other side of the Atlantic to a city I know nothing about. Slightly frightening... we'll see.

I made a decision years ago not to make a resolution. It always seems to be more of a disappointment then a gain.... mostly because I never see it through. So I'm just looking at what might happen. What God may have waiting for me. And when I think of it that way, its kinda exciting.

Growing Up...

I've been told lately that I don't act mature. I seriously don't know how to respond to that. To the idea that compared to most people my age... I act like a child. How do you take that?
Better yet, who is to decide what mature is? What's the difference between acting mature and being old.
I thought there was one...
I thought Maturity was the ability to handle certain responsibilities effectively.
But maybe its acting like a seventy-two year old lady with bad style, bad humor and a undeniable air of a person who has had something very large stuck up their butt.
If that's maturity... maybe I don't want to be mature. Maybe I don't want to ever be called an adult.
In the words of Peter Pan (my hero), "I won't grow up!".... and you can't make me.

Ick

That's all I can come up with.... I think my knee's worse than we thought it was.... going to think doctor today for a final checkup.... Ach! I wanna walk! Well, I wanna walk without that cursed limp....

Dissapointment

A subject that comes into my vocabulary too often, it seems. Usually re guarding myself or my own actions (IE failing last year's courses, failing to apply for classes on time, failure to save up enough for Christmas, failure to clean out the refrigerator... I could go on, but I don't think I could afford antidepressants right now...).
Today though, I don't know where to place the guilt. As I sit in front of my computer screen and look at the long list of spam email my account has accumulated over the last two hours I haven't been on (just long enough to watch a cheesy ABC Family Christmas movie), I don't see anything re guarding a certain cast list.
I auditioned Monday for a show in a local play house. The first thing I've auditioned for since Hobbit at CYT over a year ago. The list was supposed to be sent out today. This can only lead me to one conclusion..... I'm not on said list.
Not a terrible bit of news for some, but for me... Drama is what I do. I'm not smart, not athletic, not very successful in relationships. But, onstage, I'm who I want to be.
This only can make me wonder, where should the failure be placed? On the director for not seeing my raw talent, the nasty taco I ate minutes before auditions which (lets be honest) didn't give me the best feeling in the world, or myself? Maybe I'm not fit for acting. Yeah, I've made cast before... at high school plays where people had to be fair. Maybe its one of my many screw ups -Failure To Pretend-... Two-year-olds can do that!
But then, what does that make me? When the one stock you've put all you money into falls, where do you go?

Of chicken and waste baskets

Since that was what most of yesterday consisted of, I thought I'd dedicate today's post to Zaxby's. The one resturant that was capable of sending be to the hospital for hours on end.
That's right folks, Crys got food poisoning... again. Then she got to seat in a waiting room for two hours, hurling her guts into a trash can. But I wasn't alone. My friend Lenny (the one from the Czech republic) joined me also. It was ... interesting.
The stuck us both with an IV and after a great deal of arguing, we were put in the same room so i could translate for her.... seems I know a good bit of Czech after all.
No worries though, we're all good now.. Just really tired from blowing chunks... BTW I'm trying to find different ways to say "throwing up". So far, I've come up with:
Barfing
Hurling
Blowing chunks
tossing cookies
Visiting my good friend john
any more ideas? I'm open for any... Better get back to bed now... still pooped.
Goodnight all
~Crys